Last Chance Saloon
by Fiji Mermaid
Summary: The Last Chance Saloon Ranch lets guests live out their cowboy fantasies. The town of Runamuck offers decadence and debauchery. Between the two of them, Hermione is hoping to find a fresh start. Maybe she should start with the blue-eyed ranch hand.


**Last Chance Saloon**

By Fiji Mermaid

Summary: The Last Chance Saloon Dude Ranch offers its guests the opportunity to work alongside real cowboys. The Old West town of Runamuck offers decadence and debauchery. Between the two of them, Hermione is hoping to find a fresh start. Maybe she should start with that blue-eyed ranch hand.

It's five years after the war and the thrilling threesome need a break from their not thrilling reality. What better cure than a vacation at the Last Chance Saloon dude ranch? Harry learns how use a lasso, Ron learns about cooking via campfire and Hermione learns important lessons about life, love and how to get water from a cactus. Like she didn't already know.

Disclaimer: All Harry Potter stuff belongs to J.K. Rowling and I'm definitely not making any money. The idea for this piece of total fiction was inspired by one of my favorite childhood movies _City Slickers_ with Billy Crystal and those spaghetti westerns I watch with my dad.

Rated M for language and sexual content. AU in the sense that I'm ignoring the epilogue from DH and Fred is alive and kicking. Enjoy!

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**Chapter One: This Is Not A Rodeo**

"A tumbleweed actually blew across the ground in front of us," Ron Weasley said in disbelief. He turned to Harry Potter and Hermione Granger who were standing beside him. Harry's unkempt hair was being turned into a whirling dervish on his head as the wind blew across the plains. A fine coating of red dust was forming on their pile of luggage that lay on the ground next to them, where it had been dropped in horror and astonishment. The bus that dropped them off was a speck in the distance, noticeable only by the cloud of dust that kicked up around it.

In front of them was real live western town. Well, what wizards imagined to be a town from the wild, wild days of the American West. The pamphlet advertising the town and the ranch they would be staying at fluttered out of Hermione's hand and went the way of the tumbleweed. She wasn't paying attention to it, however, because she was too excited about the prospect of horses. And let's be honest, the cowboys.

"Ron, we're in the American West. Of course there are going to be tumbleweeds. Are you going to do this every time we pass a cactus or see a shiny belt buckle or a bowl of chilli?" Hermione asked wearily.

"No, don't be nasty. I've just never seen real tumbleweed before. I thought they only existed in movies," he said defensively. "And you can stop saying 'The American West.' I know where we are."

"I'm sorry, Ron," Hermione sighed. "It's just been a long day and I'm hot and dusty and tired and crabby," she explained.

"And thirsty," Harry added. What's a guy gotta do to get a drink around here?" he muttered picking up his bags.

Hermione rolled her eyes. Harry had been a little too excited about the prospect of getting to drink in a real live saloon with "bar wenches and everything!" Things between he and Ginny had long ago fizzled out and Hermione knew he was dreading this week. Ginny was now on the arm of Blaise Zabini and possibly making an appearance, not that Hermione had anything to do with that. No sir. She was completely innocent. Nothing to implicate her here…

"We're going to Cowshitsville, USA?" Harry had yelled when Hermione had informed him where they were going on vacation. "What the fuck's wrong Russia? Or Australia? And why are we staying at a dude ranch? Doesn't this town have hotels?"

"I think it'll be good to get us out of our comfort zone. We can learn about a different culture, strengthen existing bonds and all that new age shit," Hermione replied. She may have been more than halfway through a bottle of wine at that point. "C'mon Harry, cowboy up." The night had progressed or regressed into the two of them drunkenly making out until Harry passed out on his hideous booger green couch and Hermione came to her senses. They promised to forget that night and never bring it up again.

Now fully in the present the threesome picked up their luggage and used a portkey to reach their final destination: the wraparound porch of the white and light blue ranch house.

A pretty brown-haired woman in jeans and a tank top came to the door. "Hi, I'm Kate Miller. I'm the co-owner of Owl Creek Ranch. My brother Greg is in the pasture at the moment but why don't you all come on in?" she smiled brightly, her green eyes sparkling. "Have a seat. I'll bring some iced tea in a minute." Kate went through the kitchen door and the trio gratefully took a seat around a large wooden table. The room was filled with trophies and ribbons and pictures of people and their prize-winning animals. They'd never seen anything like it.

Kate returned shortly with a tray of glasses and a large pitcher of iced tea. She poured glasses for Hermione, Harry and Ron and told them to help themselves to the oatmeal cookies.

"So, you're the famous Harry Potter and you are the famous Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger. I have to say I always wanted to visit Hogwarts," Kate said. "I'd love to hear some stories about it."

"Didn't you go to a magical school also?" Harry asked.

"I went to regular high school and my parents and tutored my brothers and I. I went to college but came back to the ranch when my daddy got sick and my mom couldn't take care of the ranch by herself," Kate explained.

"I'm so sorry about your parents," Hermione said sympathetically.

"Oh, no they're fine!" Kate laughed. "Mom always wanted to see Paris and Barcelona so they're on an extended vacation. Dad misses the ranch but mom has never been happier. She keeps threatening to run off with a flamenco dancer!" they all laughed and Kate slapped her hands down on her knees and stood up. "Well it's a pleasure to have you folks here, not to mention the rest of the folk who are coming. It's going to be a busy week. Why don't I show you to your cabins and then y'all have a wander around the ranch. Familiarize yourself with your home for the next week and a half," Kate suggested.

"What does she mean by 'rest of the folk who are coming'?" Harry hissed at Hermione while they walked to their cabins.

"Harry, this is a really popular place for wizards and witches from the all around the world. I doubt we're even going to know anyone," Hermione reassured him. Harry narrowed his eyes and stared at her for a moment. "If I didn't know any better I'd think you were planning something," he said accusingly. "Harry, please. I barely had time to plan a vacation, much less plan something devious and underhanded," Hermione said flippantly. She'd have to watch herself around Harry until a certain someone showed up.

Hermione dropped her bags off in her room and decided to take a shower and change her clothes, then made her way over to the horse corral and watched as a ranch hand worked with a young horse on a lunge line. Hermione found herself lost in thought for a while. She couldn't stop thinking about what a disappointment her life was. Back home in London, Hermione was a mindless drone in the lower levels of the Ministry's Department of Defence. She spent her days filling out mindless forms, drinking too much coffee and reading fashion magazines when she thought she could get away with it. The perks of celebrity after the War had slowly faded and one day Hermione had woken up to realize that she no longer felt like changing the world. What she really wanted to change was her life, once the weekend came. Then she'd get her shit together. Later.

Hermione brought herself back to the present and found herself gazing at the ranch hand exercising the horse. Something about his body was so familiar to her. His hair was a long and light blonde and he had the dark tan that comes with spending one's days working under the sky. He was wearing a red and yellow plaid shirt with a white t-shirt underneath. He wore the requisite well-worn wrangler jeans with a belt and scuffed cowboy boots and his hat pulled down low so she could only see his mouth and part of his nose. Another employee came into the ring and motioned to the barn. The ranch hand nodded, handed the lead to the woman and left the arena. He took off his gloves and leaned against the wall of the barn. Hermione knew that lean. The kind of lean that said, "I'm dangerous. I'm also irresistible. Watch yourself."

Was it? Nah. No Way. But maybe…?

Hermione walked over to the man. "Malfoy? Draco Malfoy is that you?" Hermione gasped. The ranch hand raised his head to where she could barely see his eyes. They remained shaded by his wide-brimmed, white-straw cowboy hat.

"Howdy, Granger. Or should I say, Hermione?" he said solemnly. Hermione couldn't believe it. Her brain could not compute what was standing before her.

"Malfoy, what are you doing here? I knew you'd left England but I didn't expect you to be here…" she trailed off gazing at him in near incomprehension.

Draco heaved a deep sigh. "You thought I'd be where? Behind a desk in a designer suit abusing my power?" he gazed at Hermione who blushed because she had been thinking exactly that. "I hate to disappoint you, Granger. I did used to be that man but it turns out that my parents actually do know how to parent and I got the ultimate ultimatum: Shape up or ship out. The War's over but my family still has a reputation to uphold. Can't have the fuck-up son come along and ruin everything they didn't have to work for, " he said somewhat bitterly.

"Well, how'd you get all the way out here?" Hermione asked timidly.

His piercing eyes raked over Hermione's face—it felt like he was staring into her soul. Draco quirked a corner of his mouth and let out a shot of air, flaring his nostrils. "Maybe I'll share my riveting sob story with you someday, but right now I've got a horse to groom and things to organize for the guests. See you around." Draco tipped his hat to her and walked into the barn, leaving an absolutely astonished Hermione staring at his back with her mouth open.

"Who was that? He's hot," a female voice asked Hermione.

Hermione spun around and found she looking into the dark brown eyes of Ginny Weasley.

"Ginny! You made it," Hermione said happily.

"I wouldn't miss this for the world," Ginny said as the women embraced. Hermione stepped back and held Ginny at arm's length. "It's so good to see you! You look great," Hermione said, somewhat envious of Ginny's ability to look flawless in the foreign, dusty setting. Hermione felt like she was never completely put together. She always had a collar upturned or a missing button.

"Aw, thanks Hermione. You're looking well yourself. Now, tell me, who was that light and mysterious stranger you were chatting up?"

"Uh, you're never going to believe this but that light and mysterious stranger is Draco Scorpius Malfoy," Hermione told her. A silence ensued until, "No fucking way. That is just not possible," Ginny said with a short laugh. "Shit. He went and turned all horse whispery on us."

Hermione and Ginny lapsed into silence as they pondered the reality of Draco Ferret Malfoy, Cowboy. Hermione's thought quickly strayed to other hopefully soon-to-be realities and jumped when Ginny cleared her throat. Hermione blushed for the second time. "So, I ah, I'm going to go—" "Take a cold shower? Yeah, me too," Ginny interrupted. They looked at each other and laughed.

"Ferret boy is now a cowboy. Who would have thought?" Ginny trailed off as they reached their respective cabins.

"Well, Blaise and I have been told about the great goings on that happen in town. We're hoping to check it out soon, maybe tomorrow," Ginny said to Hermione.

"Yeah, we got a look at it earlier. It was pretty dead but I can see that it has potential. I'll see what the guys want to do," Hermione said. She didn't turn to look at Ginny but gave her what she thought was a surreptitious glance. Ginny rolled her eyes and put her hands on her hips.

"I didn't know Harry was going to be here. I thought it was just you and Ron. I thought you were going to try and re-kindle the flame," Ginny said making a dramatic motion with her hands.

"Oh, no, no, no. That ship has long since sailed. I thought the three of us could use a break from the drudgery of everyday life. This seemed like a good place to start anew," Hermione explained quickly. Inside she was thinking, "Pleasepleaseplease buy this explanation" and "Have I really gotten this bad at planning things? I need to step up my game."

Ginny cocked her head and looked at Hermione for a moment. A lot of people seemed to be doing that today. Ginny pursed her lips. "Mmm, okay. I believe you for now but if something should happen that seems like something you would do…" Ginny trailed off but her unspoken threat hung in the air.

"Hey, c'mon. it's me, Hermione. I would never try anything devious. I'd be so busy over thinking everything that I'd forget to do anything," Hermione offered as an explanation. She waved a hand in the air. "Anyway, it was great to see you. I'm so happy you're here. Now, I'm going to go get ready for dinner. Or chow or whatever they call it here." Hermione waved goodbye and entered her cabin to see Ron and Harry lounging on the couch and one huge armchair.

"Guys. Did you even look around the ranch?" she asked somewhat desperately.

"We looked. But a bull scared Harry so we retreated to the cabin," Ron said and took a slurp of amber coloured liquid from a glass tumbler. Hermione sagged again the screen door-frame. Hermione gave Harry a Look and he just shrugged.

"Guys, can you at least pretend to be excited we're here? Last time I checked, Harry, your life isn't exactly a barrel of monkeys. And Ron, you're one or two illegal fouls away from being suspended from the Chudley Cannons." She threw up her hands and with an exasperated sigh threw herself onto the foot of leather couch Ron wasn't draped over.

Ron jumped up and ran into the little kitchen and came back a short while later with a clinking tray. He set it down on the leather footstool in the middle of the couch and chairs.

"We are going to start this vacation of right," Ron said, rubbing his hands together. He handed out a shot glass of clear liquid and a salted lime to his friends.

"Welcome to the rodeo, cowgirl and boys. Let's get down home on the range," Harry said and the three of them clinked shot glasses.

"Here goes nothing," Hermione said and grimaced before swallowing the tequila. "Urgh! Blech!" she spat out and frantically stuffed the lime in her mouth.

"What do you think?" Harry asked innocently as Hermione glared at him.

"I think… Giddyup, cow pokes! The range isn't going to know where its home is by the time we're done here," Hermione said with a smile. "oh and Harry, I ran into Ginny just before I got back. She says 'hi'," Hermione informed Harry with an innocent grin. Harry glared at her and took a swig from the bottle of Patron. And then he took another.

Git along little doggies.

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Thanks for reading! FM


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